One Day at a Time: Day 24

I saw a picture of me and him on a friend’s Facebook album and I felt embarrassed. On a different time I would have been proud, to say the least, and overjoyed for the exposure. I would have been pleased that such view was for everyone to see. All those girls that had access to this account and were looking at this picture would be melting in the lava of jealousy and hatred towards me because that girl next to the object of their affection wasn’t them. Yeah, I would have been elated, but today I’m not.
Like I said, I felt a bit ashamed because I could recall the feelings I felt going through my veins looking at the moment in time captured by that photograph. The same feelings that today I’m desperately try to abolish once and for all from my being. I could recall the false sense of security I felt. “Here I am, here he is. He’s with me. not you. me!” What a fool, Patty! You’re a fool!
I remembered the coquettish way I looked at him all night and I felt sick. Knowing now what I know I saw my image on that picture and I felt disgusted by it. That person is pitiful, I thought to myself.
Maybe that’s how everyone saw me, but never dared to say anything. Realizing this kill the last bit of self-respect I had left. All these time I was this pathetic fool being pushed around and played around by this guy and I was so blind I didn’t see it.
I left the album, closed the window, and shut the computer down as if by doing this the picture would somehow spontaneously combust and disappear for noone to gaze at ever again.

The First Test

I overestimated my lack of emotions. How I discovered this knocked me off my feet, and crudely slapped me in the face as if to say “snap back into reality!”
I found out that as I’m living my life, apparently, so is he. The naive notion that I had that he was crying his eyes out because I no longer chose to be part of his world, that I had shunned him, deprived him of my presence, my jokes, my smile, my compliments, my sweet terms of endearment, our Sunday morning breakfast dates, our 18 hrs text conversations, just me, this idea is completely wrong. It bursted like a bubble. It fell like a castle made out of a deck of cards knocked down by the wind that was the news I had just heard.

This weekend he attended a wedding with a date. The one he introduced to everyone as his girlfriend. I imagined how a previous conversation between them had been like. He casually asked her if she could come along. She, very nonchalant, said yes, of course, but inside she was bursting with joy and excitement.
“What to wear?” she tought.
As soon as they hung up she called her bestie and asked her to go to the mall and scour for a super sexy yet sophisticated little number.

My overly active imagination had gone haywire, here I was crumbling away all the confidence I had slowly built over the last few weeks. How could this one comment do this to me? What’s going to happen when I actually have to face him? Am I going to be strong enough to carry out my feat of getting over him in a year? This is only a test, but if I didn’t fail I think I barely passed.

End of Summer = Good TV

This week most of the TV shows that I’m into aired their season premieres. I’m so excited! cannot wait for the new storylines and cool jokes coming this season on some sophomore shows and veteran favorites. This is the only good thing about Summer ending. The brand spanking new Fall TV schedule that keeps me glued to the magic box every night.
So I wanted to share my top favorite TV comedy and drama shows. The ones that make me laugh until my guts hurt and the ones that stress me out even though I know it’ll all work out in the end.

My fave LOL shows are:
Community – I’m going to be honest, the reason why I was attracted to this show last year is the same reason why I thought it was going to get canned after a couple of episodes. Joel McHale. I’ve had a super crush on this funny guy ever since The Soup first aired in 2004. Joel is funny, hot, sarcastic, aloof, everything that works for the kind of show that he is hosting, but could he act? that question was answered on Community’s pilot. Yes he can! Enough about Mr. McHale, the show is definitely held together by the amazing ensemble cast who includes legend Chevy Chase. I just got the DVD for the full first season and I love it even more the second time around. Love this show!

Modern Family – One word. Sofia. I’m so proud to be a latina right now because she’s amazing. I’ve known about Sofia Vergara, hot Colombian goddess, since she was Mexican Hearthrob songbird Luis Miguel’s girlfriend. Waaay back when I was a teenybopper in love with Luismi and I just didn’t like her. I thought she was just interested in being famous and couldn’t act. I honestly never really saw any of her work, I was just being a hater. Then she gets cast for this show and I figure I’ll give it a try so I can get more ammunition and hate some more. Ha! the joke was on me. I discovered this fine gem of a sitcom. I also love Ty Burrell’s character Phil and his son Max. Phil has the best lines, and Gloria has a I Love Lucy ora to her that I just can’t get enough of. Must see.

The Office – I’ve turned so many of my friends into Office fans that we have our own inside jokes, and ongoing bits about it. It’s like a cult, just go to Facebook, Twitter or any social network site to experience firsthand the massive, overwhelming love for those characters.

30 Rock – What can I say about this show? Tina and Alec, Liz and Jack. comedic geniuses. Well deserved Emmy’s on both parts.

Favorite Dramas are:
90210 – It’s started as pure nostalgia and I’m sure the producers orchestrated it that way, but it definitely caught my attention and got me into this famous zip code all over again. Long gone are the days of Kelly and Brenda fighting over Dylan. Today is likeable bitch Naomi and super annoying Annie one misunderstanding after another. Loves it!!

Project Runway – I love me some Tim Gunn and Heidi Klum! and every week feels like NYFW since I get to watch a runway show. Fun!

America’s Next Top Model (ANTM) – Let me just say this, Tyra Banks is the most annoying woman in the world. We have an ongoing joke in my house that if something is really, really bad we call it “banks” that’s how much I dislike this lady, but she can sure make good TV. I’ve watched this show since it first started and I’ve never gotten sick or tired of it. I mostly watch it for the Jays (Jay Emanuel and Ms. Jay) and for the photo shoots and panel. I can’t get enough of it, but I can definitely do without the ridiculous things that come out of Tyra’s mouth for sure.

Parenthood – This show is so real. That’s why I like it. My favorite couple are Kristina and Adam. I also like Amber, Sarah’s daughter (played by Gilmore Girl’s Lauren Graham). I don’t think I’m completely obssessed with it yet, but I can’t seem to not miss it.

Runners up:
How I Met Your Mother – I got into this show this summer watching re-runs on CBS and I really enjoy the show’s old school sitcom feeling, but with really smart and witty jokes. This show is super goofy, but at the same time feels very sophisticated.

Chopped – I love the FoodNetwork and this show is like the whole channel wrapped in a tiny box on steroids. I enjoy the competitions a lot.

For this season not a lot of freshman shows have called my attention. I will though give these two a try.

New Shows:
Running Wilde – Just because Will Arnett is on it. (hellooo?!?! Gob! Arrested Development)
Outsourced – It’s on NBC thursday nights. My favorite night of the week, what can I say? hehe

One Day at a Time: Day 17

There’s always 3 sides to every story. There’s mine, there’s his, and there’s the truth. Today I’m going to be discussing his side of the story. The guy point of view. I was speaking to two of my male cousins about my decision to end this relationship. It was an eye opener to say the least because they gave me an insight to how a guy acts, thinks, and behaves when it comes to females. As he shared all his own personal experiences I couldn’t help but notice how familiar it all sounded. I have been there before many times as that girl he was describing in his anecdotes. All the things he would do or say to these girls was what I would experience or hear from this guy, and somehow because it was coming from him it seemed so innocent. I was wrong.
A guy is a guy is a guy. Is that simple. When he would tell me every little escapade he had with other females it wasn’t because he regarded me as trustworthy like I thought, it was because he wanted to make sure that as a chilla* I knew my place in his world. When he would be vague about someday taking me serious, it wasn’t because he was confused about his feelings towards me and he needed more time. It was because he wasn’t going to cut that bridge, he needed to have me readily available whenever he wanted. Even it was months or years in between.
He knows me too well so he always knew what to say to me to keep me at bay. All that power is too dangerous to give to someone, but once they have it they can control you like a puppet until you decide to cut the strings.
It was really hard to listen to my cousin explain this to me because I really believed that I was different, that I was special. That the times that we had spent together had made our bond be a rare material that could withstand everything. I idealized this connection to the point that he was a deity and our relationship was my religion. How can I let this happen? When did I let this happen?
Thankfully, I can see now that he is just a dude like any other male inhabiting planet Earth. He’s not special, neither am I to him. This was all about who had control over whom. I’m ready to take back my power, my will. It’s funny how you think succumbing your power to someone can be perceived as love. I’m taking note of it not to make that same mistake ever again.

*chilla- girl on the side. mistress. f*^% buddy.

What makes me happy? Immediate satisfaction!

Today is Friday and I thought I would keep it light and fresh since I spent the whole week talking about my heartaches. In no particular order, here is a brief, but detailed account of a few things that make me abundantly happy and turn my smile into a cheesing fest. Hopefully you have your own list that you would like to share with me in the comments. Enjoy!

There’s nothing like a silky smooth piece of chocolate to satisfy the most adamant of cravings. The way it melts in your mouth as it knocks out every single taste bud with its decadent cocoa flavor. I’ve always said the purer the better. Don’t get me wrong, milk chocolate is okay, but being able to savor the fruit in its intensity is heaven. A sprinkle of sugar and a drop of milk go a long way. A good chocolatier knows this, and will create the perfect formula for that coveted confection.

A long, sensuous, delicate, kiss is without a doubt an indispensable life pleasure that provides me with surreal happiness and immediate satisfaction indeed. It should be a daily activity although it could be difficult to come across it for someone that’s single like me. Nonetheless, a kiss of that caliber can catapult all five senses into acute awareness. The way my nose captures the subtlety of his scent, and my fingers, barely touching him, caress his skin giving me goosebumps. The taste…oh, the taste of warm, wet, meaty lips sometimes is just indescribable. My eyes (I’m not going to lie, they prefer to be closed) look inside me. They undress my mind, my soul. I come in contact with my true self. It’s an amazing self-awareness experience of enjoyment and true bliss. To culminate this sensory overload, my ears capture each moan, each sound creating a domino cycle-effect that triggers all other senses once again, and again, and again. So there…that’s what a “simple” kiss feels like to me.

Words. I think words are beautiful. They spark so much joy in me. Think about it…a combination of vowels and/or consonants can hold so much truth, love, passion, energy, enchantment, meaning, etc. One word can ignite a million thoughts. It electrifies my brain. A word can make me feel alive just by looking at it, reading it, saying it out loud. That’s just one word; imagine how a book can make me feel…
So there you have it. TGIF! smile 😀

In the Waiting Room

Surprisingly I feel confident. Deep inside I believe I will get over this like I have some way or another gotten over any distressing situation I’ve experienced in the past. This too shall pass. In the mean time, I’m sitting here waiting. Trying to distract myself with whatever I can get my hands on. It’s like sitting at the doctor’s office knowing that he’s on the other side of that door doing who knows what, and you’re running out of patience because you’re certain once you go in you’ll be taken care of.

My friends and family are being very supportive around this “waiting” period. They’re like the magazines on the waiting room coffee table. They entertain me, give me suggestions like what new dish to make, what cool spot to hit on friday night, how to make home-made exfoliator for a spa-at-home treatment. Anything to get my mind occupied while I wait, but honestly, I’m getting impatient. I feel like I’ve read all the articles before. As if I’ve gone through all the magazines and still I’m here waiting for my turn to go in. I don’t want to start over again to kill time, I want to close my eyes and feel time pass me by in fastforward. I want to open my eyes and it be my turn. Be ready to go in and see what’s behind that door and go on, and move on to the next one.

One Day at a Time: Day 9

Am I in shock? that’s the only thing I can think of. Yesterday, after going back and forth, I decided to tell him that I needed a break from him. It was tough because it became so final. It was like signing my death sentence. Releasing my intentions to him just solidified my thoughts making it public, real. Can’t back away now. This is IT!

I cried. Histerically. All my emotions rolled up into one big downpour of tears. The Niagara Falls of crying. I needed desperately for someone to remind me why I was doing this. Why I was torturing myself and digging a black hole in my heart. I prayed to God to give me the strength I needed to succumb to my decision and accept my reality. This is what YOU want. This is what you NEED.

Today I woke up outside my body. Like I’m watching myself live and not feel what my body is feeling, physically or emotionally. It’s so surreal, but I don’t want to let go of this state. I’m trying not to think or talk about it because I fear if I do I’ll tap into or “jump into” my body, my emotions, my fears, and again I would feel how I felt last night.

Like my beautiful sister said to me while I flooded my apartment with tears last night. This is the worst part, it can only get better from here. This is the beginning of the rest of your life. <-AMEN to that sister!

One Day at a Time: Day 8

All I seem to do is talk about what I’m going through. I must be driving my friends crazy/bored with this nonsense. At least I feel like that’s all I talk about because right now that’s all I think about. He did finally try contacting me today asking if there’s anything wrong. I said…nothing. I couldn’t answer his question because I am not ready to speak to him. I realized that as soon as I saw his email in my inbox I started to forget all the bad things that were fueling my get-over-him engine. I got excited to see him inquire about me.  I know that if I speak to him and let my guard down I will fall back into my old tricks and all this effort will go to waste. So I postponed the “talk” and called my support group right away. You know, the group of close girlfriends that always have your back, but tell you what it is, how it is. They speak the truth. All of them told me to ignore it. To follow my instincts and just quit him cold turkey. No explanations, no talks, no arrangements. Just stop.

After listening to their advice I ask myself; what am I going to do? The old me would talk to him because if I don’t he would disappear out of my life forever thinking I won’t talk because I’m being childish. That old me would think that would be devastating because I would be shooting hope in the face and killing any miniscule chance I’ve had of working things out.  Maybe that’s exactly what I need! So the new me will try things a little bit differently. I am not going to say anything and let my silence speak for me. Allow my actions paint the picture he needs to see in order for him to draw his own conclusions of our “relationship”.

I’m glad I didn’t jump in and said what I was thinking when he wrote. I took the time to think about what is best for me and I feel happy with my decision.  So I keep repeating to myself: one step at a time, one hour at a time, one day at a time, one week at a time….

One Day at a Time

This past week has been tough. I have made the decision to finally get over “the one that got away”. I have said this before, I have planned this before, but knew in my heart that I wasn’t ready. I wasn’t ready to give up hope. Not ready to let go of the chance that one day the stars would align and finally all my dreams would come true.

Why is this time around different from all the other times you ask? well, because now I feel that I can. For some strange reason even though I’m heartbroken, ahem…heart-shattered… I can see something inside of me that’s different. I see a willingness to try, a will to succeed. I keep telling myself that I am too old to live in this fantasy world I have created for myself. Yes, myself because this has nothing to do with him, it has everything to do with me not getting that he wasn’t available 10 years ago, he’s definitely not available to me now, and he will NEVER be available to me in the future.

I’m not going to lie. It’s hard. Specially because I seem to have a selective memory to only remember the happy memories, the inside jokes, the fun times, the special moments that made us bond and let my obssession grow into what it is now. So I tell myself, one day at a time. Remember the bad feelings, the sadness and despair you feel once he’s out of your sight. Those memorable happy moments are always overshadowed by weeks of misery. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat in your mind. I hope I’m strong enough to do this because I have no other choice.

Everything happens for a reason

I’m back today, see? I’m trying. Yesterday a good friend of mine, after being put through the ringer in a series of interviews, was told “all positions have been filled.” I felt really bad for her because just as she was uber confident about having this job in the bag, so was I. It came as a complete surprise for me. I was try telling her comforting words to ease her disappointment and frustation, but even though that’s happened to all of us at some time or another in our lives I wasn’t really sharing her true emotions. I could see why she felt that way, but I felt empathy not sympathy.

Let me clarify before I start sounding like an a** that doesn’t care about her friend’s misfurtunes. The reason why I wasn’t sympathetic is that everytime something bad happens I tend to think of the “positive” outcome or the destiny/fate/life plan that I am to fulfill. I hate to call it positive thinking because I consider myself a pesimist, but I feel that life has a way of sorting everything out for us.

So I ended up telling my friend that everything happens for a reason, there is probably something better out there waiting for her to show up and make a move. Smile.