Tag Archives: ex

Letting You in my Little Secret

8 Nov

I haven’t really been very vocal about my grand decision of cutting him off my life. Very few people know, and by few I mean 3 people. Lately I’ve been wondering why I have chosen not to say anything. I thought about how maybe what I do and don’t do isn’t anyone’s business. Also, I wonder that maybe I’m not big into sharing because letting everyone in my little secret somehow will etch my decision in stone with no room for failure. In any case, whatever the reason is I think I’m ready now to divulge it without hesitation simply because now I feel that maybe letting people know will allow them to help me with the process. The bigger the army, the greater the chances of me winning the war.
I decided to first talk to a few key characters in this novella.
My mother. She dislikes him so much, maybe her sympathy and happiness will fuel me to continue.
His cousin. She was my VIP access to his life for certain things. By her being involved now maybe I won’t have to hear who he is or isn’t dating and she’ll be more discrete by respecting my feelings.
My friend related to his ex. By opening up this “bomb” to her maybe I’ll get closer to her like I used to be before she got caught in the middle of this love triangle. I miss her so.
Our mutual friends. There are many of them, and, sincerely, having to pretend like we’re “A-Ok” is really taking a toll on me. I despise them for asking me every time they see me how he’s doing, and what he’s up to. Maybe by opening up they’ll respect my wishes of not wanting to talk about him, and maybe, just maybe they’ll help me, support me, and encourage me to move on for good.
Understanding that my needs go above his and the rest is half the battle. I will do and say what is right for me and what will ultimately help me get over him.


One Day at a Time: Day 48

1 Nov

It was unplanned, I swear. In an enclosed city area with about 100,000 people around, most of them in costume, you would think it would be literally impossible for exes to run into each other, right? Unless it was planned…right? Wrong!
I saw him maybe like 15 feet in front of me. Even with a costume on, I recognized him right away. I got nervous. My heart sank to my stomach. I could feel it switching gears into full speed, but I knew I couldn’t let the nerves get the best of me. I kept walking towards him and his friends. As I approached their huddle he walked away a few steps towards some other people.
I said hello to his two best friends, of course, trying to look naturally happy and unfazed. They asked me where I had been, as if they didn’t know. I answered politely, “around.” One of them pointed him out to me, “there he is, go say hi!” and smoothly I replied “oh yeah…” I looked over avoiding eye contact, and I could tell he was doing the same thing, while trying to act like he hadn’t realized I was there.
I felt my hands starting to shake. I attributed to the cold weather, and before it could get more awkward I said goodbye and I walked away. I got lost again in the crowd. I walked fast so I couldn’t be spotted from far away. Not that he would try to, but…
I thought about how I wished I’d never had to see him again, but how I knew it would be bound to happen someday. I never imagined it would be this early, only 2 months in. I had played the reunion in my head many times. I would always be nonchalant, cool, collected. I would leave him wanting more of me and as I would walk away he would be left sad, distraught, undone. Ha! So much for that, eh?

Rx For Healing a Broken Heart

25 Oct

I thought that I had found the person that was the one for me. The one I had been waiting for, the person that made me whole. That made me be the best woman I thought I could be and want to be. Unfortunately, destiny had other plans for me, and such person is no longer in my life. That doesn’t mean that because I’m heading over a new path my feelings and aspirations inmediately disappeared. I was left with a broken heart and no manual to tell me how to fix it. However, I refuse to live in regret because I know everything happens for a reason. I must certainly feel that there are yet bigger and better things to come. In the mean time, I’m here dealing. It’s very difficult, but never impossible. I want to share key steps that I feel are pivotal to mend the emotionally crushed. So far they have been working for me. Everyday I feel more and more confident that I’ll be able to get over him and come out even stronger in the process. I hope this helps you too.

1. climb your personal mountain

2. allow yourself to feel bad

3. occupy your mind and body with constructive things

4. Avoid the former love. Yes, avoid

5. Talk out your feelings with close friends

6. Cry if you want to. It’s OK to cry over a loss. Don’t hold back, let the tears roll just do it in a safe and private place where it is unlikely to get back to your ex

7. Let go of mementos. Put away or give away anything and everything that reminds you of the relationship

8. Don’t slip up and get together with your ex. When you are feeling sad or missing a relationship it can be very easy to fall back in to the arms of your ex but DO NOT DO THIS!

9. Focus on all the things about your ex that drove you crazy, turned you off, or that you just plain found annoying. Think about these things often and replay them in your mind over and over. Dwell on them. It will make you feel better to remember that your former flame was not perfect and that there are things you won’t really miss

10. Think about the mean, cruel or rude things your ex may have done in your relationship. Really give these things play in your memory

11. Maintain a strict no contact policy and stick with it. Don’t make any calls. Stay away from instant messaging or texting on your cell. Just don’t contact your ex until you are totally and completely sure you no longer want to be with him or her. It is the only way

12. Don’t look at past relationships as failures, but rather as opportunities to learn and improve your relationship skills

13. Don’t worry that you’re not in a relationship. Your value comes from who you are, not who you’re with

One Day at a Time: Day 24

30 Sep

I saw a picture of me and him on a friend’s Facebook album and I felt embarrassed. On a different time I would have been proud, to say the least, and overjoyed for the exposure. I would have been pleased that such view was for everyone to see. All those girls that had access to this account and were looking at this picture would be melting in the lava of jealousy and hatred towards me because that girl next to the object of their affection wasn’t them. Yeah, I would have been elated, but today I’m not.
Like I said, I felt a bit ashamed because I could recall the feelings I felt going through my veins looking at the moment in time captured by that photograph. The same feelings that today I’m desperately try to abolish once and for all from my being. I could recall the false sense of security I felt. “Here I am, here he is. He’s with me. not you. me!” What a fool, Patty! You’re a fool!
I remembered the coquettish way I looked at him all night and I felt sick. Knowing now what I know I saw my image on that picture and I felt disgusted by it. That person is pitiful, I thought to myself.
Maybe that’s how everyone saw me, but never dared to say anything. Realizing this kill the last bit of self-respect I had left. All these time I was this pathetic fool being pushed around and played around by this guy and I was so blind I didn’t see it.
I left the album, closed the window, and shut the computer down as if by doing this the picture would somehow spontaneously combust and disappear for noone to gaze at ever again.

One Day at a Time: Day 17

22 Sep

There’s always 3 sides to every story. There’s mine, there’s his, and there’s the truth. Today I’m going to be discussing his side of the story. The guy point of view. I was speaking to two of my male cousins about my decision to end this relationship. It was an eye opener to say the least because they gave me an insight to how a guy acts, thinks, and behaves when it comes to females. As he shared all his own personal experiences I couldn’t help but notice how familiar it all sounded. I have been there before many times as that girl he was describing in his anecdotes. All the things he would do or say to these girls was what I would experience or hear from this guy, and somehow because it was coming from him it seemed so innocent. I was wrong.
A guy is a guy is a guy. Is that simple. When he would tell me every little escapade he had with other females it wasn’t because he regarded me as trustworthy like I thought, it was because he wanted to make sure that as a chilla* I knew my place in his world. When he would be vague about someday taking me serious, it wasn’t because he was confused about his feelings towards me and he needed more time. It was because he wasn’t going to cut that bridge, he needed to have me readily available whenever he wanted. Even it was months or years in between.
He knows me too well so he always knew what to say to me to keep me at bay. All that power is too dangerous to give to someone, but once they have it they can control you like a puppet until you decide to cut the strings.
It was really hard to listen to my cousin explain this to me because I really believed that I was different, that I was special. That the times that we had spent together had made our bond be a rare material that could withstand everything. I idealized this connection to the point that he was a deity and our relationship was my religion. How can I let this happen? When did I let this happen?
Thankfully, I can see now that he is just a dude like any other male inhabiting planet Earth. He’s not special, neither am I to him. This was all about who had control over whom. I’m ready to take back my power, my will. It’s funny how you think succumbing your power to someone can be perceived as love. I’m taking note of it not to make that same mistake ever again.

*chilla- girl on the side. mistress. f*^% buddy.

One Day at a Time: Day 8

13 Sep

All I seem to do is talk about what I’m going through. I must be driving my friends crazy/bored with this nonsense. At least I feel like that’s all I talk about because right now that’s all I think about. He did finally try contacting me today asking if there’s anything wrong. I said…nothing. I couldn’t answer his question because I am not ready to speak to him. I realized that as soon as I saw his email in my inbox I started to forget all the bad things that were fueling my get-over-him engine. I got excited to see him inquire about me.  I know that if I speak to him and let my guard down I will fall back into my old tricks and all this effort will go to waste. So I postponed the “talk” and called my support group right away. You know, the group of close girlfriends that always have your back, but tell you what it is, how it is. They speak the truth. All of them told me to ignore it. To follow my instincts and just quit him cold turkey. No explanations, no talks, no arrangements. Just stop.

After listening to their advice I ask myself; what am I going to do? The old me would talk to him because if I don’t he would disappear out of my life forever thinking I won’t talk because I’m being childish. That old me would think that would be devastating because I would be shooting hope in the face and killing any miniscule chance I’ve had of working things out.  Maybe that’s exactly what I need! So the new me will try things a little bit differently. I am not going to say anything and let my silence speak for me. Allow my actions paint the picture he needs to see in order for him to draw his own conclusions of our “relationship”.

I’m glad I didn’t jump in and said what I was thinking when he wrote. I took the time to think about what is best for me and I feel happy with my decision.  So I keep repeating to myself: one step at a time, one hour at a time, one day at a time, one week at a time….

One Day at a Time

10 Sep

This past week has been tough. I have made the decision to finally get over “the one that got away”. I have said this before, I have planned this before, but knew in my heart that I wasn’t ready. I wasn’t ready to give up hope. Not ready to let go of the chance that one day the stars would align and finally all my dreams would come true.

Why is this time around different from all the other times you ask? well, because now I feel that I can. For some strange reason even though I’m heartbroken, ahem…heart-shattered… I can see something inside of me that’s different. I see a willingness to try, a will to succeed. I keep telling myself that I am too old to live in this fantasy world I have created for myself. Yes, myself because this has nothing to do with him, it has everything to do with me not getting that he wasn’t available 10 years ago, he’s definitely not available to me now, and he will NEVER be available to me in the future.

I’m not going to lie. It’s hard. Specially because I seem to have a selective memory to only remember the happy memories, the inside jokes, the fun times, the special moments that made us bond and let my obssession grow into what it is now. So I tell myself, one day at a time. Remember the bad feelings, the sadness and despair you feel once he’s out of your sight. Those memorable happy moments are always overshadowed by weeks of misery. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat in your mind. I hope I’m strong enough to do this because I have no other choice.