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Letting You in my Little Secret

8 Nov

I haven’t really been very vocal about my grand decision of cutting him off my life. Very few people know, and by few I mean 3 people. Lately I’ve been wondering why I have chosen not to say anything. I thought about how maybe what I do and don’t do isn’t anyone’s business. Also, I wonder that maybe I’m not big into sharing because letting everyone in my little secret somehow will etch my decision in stone with no room for failure. In any case, whatever the reason is I think I’m ready now to divulge it without hesitation simply because now I feel that maybe letting people know will allow them to help me with the process. The bigger the army, the greater the chances of me winning the war.
I decided to first talk to a few key characters in this novella.
My mother. She dislikes him so much, maybe her sympathy and happiness will fuel me to continue.
His cousin. She was my VIP access to his life for certain things. By her being involved now maybe I won’t have to hear who he is or isn’t dating and she’ll be more discrete by respecting my feelings.
My friend related to his ex. By opening up this “bomb” to her maybe I’ll get closer to her like I used to be before she got caught in the middle of this love triangle. I miss her so.
Our mutual friends. There are many of them, and, sincerely, having to pretend like we’re “A-Ok” is really taking a toll on me. I despise them for asking me every time they see me how he’s doing, and what he’s up to. Maybe by opening up they’ll respect my wishes of not wanting to talk about him, and maybe, just maybe they’ll help me, support me, and encourage me to move on for good.
Understanding that my needs go above his and the rest is half the battle. I will do and say what is right for me and what will ultimately help me get over him.

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One Day at a Time: Day 54

6 Nov

“Sueñate conmigo” was something I used to say almost every night right before we would hang up the phone. Call it not-so-subliminal message for him to do exactly that; dream about me. I would plant that last seed in his conscious and ultimately (by repetition) in his subconscious mind so all his shut-eye would be centered around or about me. It would work sometimes (I didn’t say this science was perfect).
The point of me bringing up a glimpse of my twisted, little science project is that last night I dreamed of him. I dreamed that he came over to talk to me, to vent, to say exactly what was on his mind about me shunning him out of my life. In my dream he was crying, desperately seeking and answer as to why I would ruin his perfect friendship circle of trust between him and his 3 best friends. I was the weakest link and I had finally broken the perfect round shape into an imperfect line. My frustration grew as he was talking about everything but the reality of our situation, my reality. As my impatience escalated without me being able to get a word in and explain to him one more time that friendship was a consolation prize for me not the winning ticket, I woke up. Disappointed, I wasn’t able to get him to admit that the real reason why he was bent out of shape was because he missed me, because he loved me.
Sadly this was a dream, and only a dream. It let me to wonder about how he has been dealing with all of this. Does he think about our friendship, relationship, about me as a person? Does he miss me even a fraction of what I miss him? Simply put I, not him, is the one with all the puzzling questions and my dream was just a manifestation of my utter bewilderment. Sad, truly, when I think about what he’s done to me.

One Day at a Time: Day 48

1 Nov

It was unplanned, I swear. In an enclosed city area with about 100,000 people around, most of them in costume, you would think it would be literally impossible for exes to run into each other, right? Unless it was planned…right? Wrong!
I saw him maybe like 15 feet in front of me. Even with a costume on, I recognized him right away. I got nervous. My heart sank to my stomach. I could feel it switching gears into full speed, but I knew I couldn’t let the nerves get the best of me. I kept walking towards him and his friends. As I approached their huddle he walked away a few steps towards some other people.
I said hello to his two best friends, of course, trying to look naturally happy and unfazed. They asked me where I had been, as if they didn’t know. I answered politely, “around.” One of them pointed him out to me, “there he is, go say hi!” and smoothly I replied “oh yeah…” I looked over avoiding eye contact, and I could tell he was doing the same thing, while trying to act like he hadn’t realized I was there.
I felt my hands starting to shake. I attributed to the cold weather, and before it could get more awkward I said goodbye and I walked away. I got lost again in the crowd. I walked fast so I couldn’t be spotted from far away. Not that he would try to, but…
I thought about how I wished I’d never had to see him again, but how I knew it would be bound to happen someday. I never imagined it would be this early, only 2 months in. I had played the reunion in my head many times. I would always be nonchalant, cool, collected. I would leave him wanting more of me and as I would walk away he would be left sad, distraught, undone. Ha! So much for that, eh?

Rx For Healing a Broken Heart

25 Oct

I thought that I had found the person that was the one for me. The one I had been waiting for, the person that made me whole. That made me be the best woman I thought I could be and want to be. Unfortunately, destiny had other plans for me, and such person is no longer in my life. That doesn’t mean that because I’m heading over a new path my feelings and aspirations inmediately disappeared. I was left with a broken heart and no manual to tell me how to fix it. However, I refuse to live in regret because I know everything happens for a reason. I must certainly feel that there are yet bigger and better things to come. In the mean time, I’m here dealing. It’s very difficult, but never impossible. I want to share key steps that I feel are pivotal to mend the emotionally crushed. So far they have been working for me. Everyday I feel more and more confident that I’ll be able to get over him and come out even stronger in the process. I hope this helps you too.

1. climb your personal mountain

2. allow yourself to feel bad

3. occupy your mind and body with constructive things

4. Avoid the former love. Yes, avoid

5. Talk out your feelings with close friends

6. Cry if you want to. It’s OK to cry over a loss. Don’t hold back, let the tears roll just do it in a safe and private place where it is unlikely to get back to your ex

7. Let go of mementos. Put away or give away anything and everything that reminds you of the relationship

8. Don’t slip up and get together with your ex. When you are feeling sad or missing a relationship it can be very easy to fall back in to the arms of your ex but DO NOT DO THIS!

9. Focus on all the things about your ex that drove you crazy, turned you off, or that you just plain found annoying. Think about these things often and replay them in your mind over and over. Dwell on them. It will make you feel better to remember that your former flame was not perfect and that there are things you won’t really miss

10. Think about the mean, cruel or rude things your ex may have done in your relationship. Really give these things play in your memory

11. Maintain a strict no contact policy and stick with it. Don’t make any calls. Stay away from instant messaging or texting on your cell. Just don’t contact your ex until you are totally and completely sure you no longer want to be with him or her. It is the only way

12. Don’t look at past relationships as failures, but rather as opportunities to learn and improve your relationship skills

13. Don’t worry that you’re not in a relationship. Your value comes from who you are, not who you’re with

One Day at a Time: Day 36

19 Oct

Last night I was watching an episode of How I Met Your Mother. The main story line was about how Ted changes his personality every time he meets a girl he likes. For instance, there was a montage where he was shown in hiking gear ready to go out with a girl that was outdoorsy even though he’s not, and so forth.

As I watched I thought about how maybe I have done that before and was never really aware.I thought about the things that I like that may have been influenced by him and see if it was really something I had an interest for or in fact it was my favorite because of him.

My favorite rapper, Jay-Z, is he really MY favorite? When it comes to rap I don’t really mind it, I can listen to it, but it’s really not my favorite genre, I think I have maybe like 10 rap songs all together on my Ipod and they are just really popular songs. My favorite music has always been Latin Pop. I probably know and own thousands of such type and my favorite artists are all from this genre. So I think it is safe to say that Mr. Sean Carter, although I do enjoy listening to his music from time to time and I do respect him as a business man, is not my favorite.

How about my favorite show, The Office? The Office was a show my brother introduced me to on their sophomore season after he watched the first one and really enjoyed the fresh, new way of shooting and producing a TV sitcom. I then promoted it to all my friends and turned most of them into avid Office fans, including him, so this one is mine and I’m sticking with it.

Finally, there are the few people that I became friends with while we were together, do I really wanted to build a relationship with them or was I just being cordial because of him? All the friends that I so desperately wanted to get approval from and would go to great lengths for them to like me so he could see that I was to be liked, well….he can keep them. I don’t miss them. I’ll keep my own.

I guess that I too, like Ted, would change my personality to adjust the object of my desire’s interests. Coming to this realization has made me understand that I don’t really have to do that at all. I can have my own interests, likes, hobbies without having to be all matchy-matchy with him. However, by trying new things is how you learn and are able to pass better judgment on whether you will like and enjoy something you never thought you would.

One Day at a Time: Day 30

13 Oct

I didn’t want to let this milestone pass by unnoticed. It has been 30 days since I last spoke to him telling him that I was done. Unofficially it has actually been 39 days since I made the decision that I needed to turn my life around.
I made a comment to someone the other day where I mentioned him. As the thought converted into words flowing out of my mouth into the air, I coudn’t help but feel as if I was speaking about someone who had passed away. Like I had been in mourning for all these time and suddenly I was breaking my silence by saying his name outloud. Mentioning his name felt as if I was disrespecting the honor of my actions. A guilt wave ran through my body. I shouldn’t speak about him in a loving, funny-anecdote kind a way, I thought to myself. It didn’t feel right.
Simply put, too many wonderful things have also taken place during this time. Without his help, his solidarity, empathy, assistance, encouragement, without Him. It has been tough, extremely, but I’ve also seen that I can continue living a bountiful, beautiful life. Here is to eleven more months which now don’t seem as scary as they once seemed.

One Day at a Time: Day 24

30 Sep

I saw a picture of me and him on a friend’s Facebook album and I felt embarrassed. On a different time I would have been proud, to say the least, and overjoyed for the exposure. I would have been pleased that such view was for everyone to see. All those girls that had access to this account and were looking at this picture would be melting in the lava of jealousy and hatred towards me because that girl next to the object of their affection wasn’t them. Yeah, I would have been elated, but today I’m not.
Like I said, I felt a bit ashamed because I could recall the feelings I felt going through my veins looking at the moment in time captured by that photograph. The same feelings that today I’m desperately try to abolish once and for all from my being. I could recall the false sense of security I felt. “Here I am, here he is. He’s with me. not you. me!” What a fool, Patty! You’re a fool!
I remembered the coquettish way I looked at him all night and I felt sick. Knowing now what I know I saw my image on that picture and I felt disgusted by it. That person is pitiful, I thought to myself.
Maybe that’s how everyone saw me, but never dared to say anything. Realizing this kill the last bit of self-respect I had left. All these time I was this pathetic fool being pushed around and played around by this guy and I was so blind I didn’t see it.
I left the album, closed the window, and shut the computer down as if by doing this the picture would somehow spontaneously combust and disappear for noone to gaze at ever again.

The First Test

27 Sep

I overestimated my lack of emotions. How I discovered this knocked me off my feet, and crudely slapped me in the face as if to say “snap back into reality!”
I found out that as I’m living my life, apparently, so is he. The naive notion that I had that he was crying his eyes out because I no longer chose to be part of his world, that I had shunned him, deprived him of my presence, my jokes, my smile, my compliments, my sweet terms of endearment, our Sunday morning breakfast dates, our 18 hrs text conversations, just me, this idea is completely wrong. It bursted like a bubble. It fell like a castle made out of a deck of cards knocked down by the wind that was the news I had just heard.

This weekend he attended a wedding with a date. The one he introduced to everyone as his girlfriend. I imagined how a previous conversation between them had been like. He casually asked her if she could come along. She, very nonchalant, said yes, of course, but inside she was bursting with joy and excitement.
“What to wear?” she tought.
As soon as they hung up she called her bestie and asked her to go to the mall and scour for a super sexy yet sophisticated little number.

My overly active imagination had gone haywire, here I was crumbling away all the confidence I had slowly built over the last few weeks. How could this one comment do this to me? What’s going to happen when I actually have to face him? Am I going to be strong enough to carry out my feat of getting over him in a year? This is only a test, but if I didn’t fail I think I barely passed.

One Day at a Time: Day 17

22 Sep

There’s always 3 sides to every story. There’s mine, there’s his, and there’s the truth. Today I’m going to be discussing his side of the story. The guy point of view. I was speaking to two of my male cousins about my decision to end this relationship. It was an eye opener to say the least because they gave me an insight to how a guy acts, thinks, and behaves when it comes to females. As he shared all his own personal experiences I couldn’t help but notice how familiar it all sounded. I have been there before many times as that girl he was describing in his anecdotes. All the things he would do or say to these girls was what I would experience or hear from this guy, and somehow because it was coming from him it seemed so innocent. I was wrong.
A guy is a guy is a guy. Is that simple. When he would tell me every little escapade he had with other females it wasn’t because he regarded me as trustworthy like I thought, it was because he wanted to make sure that as a chilla* I knew my place in his world. When he would be vague about someday taking me serious, it wasn’t because he was confused about his feelings towards me and he needed more time. It was because he wasn’t going to cut that bridge, he needed to have me readily available whenever he wanted. Even it was months or years in between.
He knows me too well so he always knew what to say to me to keep me at bay. All that power is too dangerous to give to someone, but once they have it they can control you like a puppet until you decide to cut the strings.
It was really hard to listen to my cousin explain this to me because I really believed that I was different, that I was special. That the times that we had spent together had made our bond be a rare material that could withstand everything. I idealized this connection to the point that he was a deity and our relationship was my religion. How can I let this happen? When did I let this happen?
Thankfully, I can see now that he is just a dude like any other male inhabiting planet Earth. He’s not special, neither am I to him. This was all about who had control over whom. I’m ready to take back my power, my will. It’s funny how you think succumbing your power to someone can be perceived as love. I’m taking note of it not to make that same mistake ever again.

*chilla- girl on the side. mistress. f*^% buddy.

In the Waiting Room

16 Sep

Surprisingly I feel confident. Deep inside I believe I will get over this like I have some way or another gotten over any distressing situation I’ve experienced in the past. This too shall pass. In the mean time, I’m sitting here waiting. Trying to distract myself with whatever I can get my hands on. It’s like sitting at the doctor’s office knowing that he’s on the other side of that door doing who knows what, and you’re running out of patience because you’re certain once you go in you’ll be taken care of.

My friends and family are being very supportive around this “waiting” period. They’re like the magazines on the waiting room coffee table. They entertain me, give me suggestions like what new dish to make, what cool spot to hit on friday night, how to make home-made exfoliator for a spa-at-home treatment. Anything to get my mind occupied while I wait, but honestly, I’m getting impatient. I feel like I’ve read all the articles before. As if I’ve gone through all the magazines and still I’m here waiting for my turn to go in. I don’t want to start over again to kill time, I want to close my eyes and feel time pass me by in fastforward. I want to open my eyes and it be my turn. Be ready to go in and see what’s behind that door and go on, and move on to the next one.