Divorce Killed the Matrimony Star

An Associated Press article came out today in most news outlets about a study by the Pew Research Center, in association with Time magazine that reported 4 out of 10 people say marriage is becoming obsolete. Reading this article made me think about my own believes and views about the institution of marriage and what it means to me.

It’s very unfortunate that the image and desire I had to one day create my own family by taking the vows of marriage in front of my family and friends have changed. I believe too highly in the holy sacrament of marriage. To think that someone else I’m involved with could not regard this commitment in the same level that I do, whether I like it or not, is unfathomable. In this day and age it’s very rare to find a person who thinks like me, so why risk it? Why disrespect it? May as well never even try it just to avoid disappointment.

How about if I would just meet whoever I’m going to meet in this lifetime and have a comradeship, mutual respect, and companionship? And WHEN (not “if” because it WILL happen) we had enough of each other the separation won’t be this major rupture (this is my catholic self chiming in) of the oath we swore to God in front of witnesses. Whether it last a few weeks, months, or a few years there’s always the chance to start over fresh and new and not with the stigma of failure at the attempt of a happily ever after.

Letting You in my Little Secret

I haven’t really been very vocal about my grand decision of cutting him off my life. Very few people know, and by few I mean 3 people. Lately I’ve been wondering why I have chosen not to say anything. I thought about how maybe what I do and don’t do isn’t anyone’s business. Also, I wonder that maybe I’m not big into sharing because letting everyone in my little secret somehow will etch my decision in stone with no room for failure. In any case, whatever the reason is I think I’m ready now to divulge it without hesitation simply because now I feel that maybe letting people know will allow them to help me with the process. The bigger the army, the greater the chances of me winning the war.
I decided to first talk to a few key characters in this novella.
My mother. She dislikes him so much, maybe her sympathy and happiness will fuel me to continue.
His cousin. She was my VIP access to his life for certain things. By her being involved now maybe I won’t have to hear who he is or isn’t dating and she’ll be more discrete by respecting my feelings.
My friend related to his ex. By opening up this “bomb” to her maybe I’ll get closer to her like I used to be before she got caught in the middle of this love triangle. I miss her so.
Our mutual friends. There are many of them, and, sincerely, having to pretend like we’re “A-Ok” is really taking a toll on me. I despise them for asking me every time they see me how he’s doing, and what he’s up to. Maybe by opening up they’ll respect my wishes of not wanting to talk about him, and maybe, just maybe they’ll help me, support me, and encourage me to move on for good.
Understanding that my needs go above his and the rest is half the battle. I will do and say what is right for me and what will ultimately help me get over him.

One Day at a Time: Day 54

“Sueñate conmigo” was something I used to say almost every night right before we would hang up the phone. Call it not-so-subliminal message for him to do exactly that; dream about me. I would plant that last seed in his conscious and ultimately (by repetition) in his subconscious mind so all his shut-eye would be centered around or about me. It would work sometimes (I didn’t say this science was perfect).
The point of me bringing up a glimpse of my twisted, little science project is that last night I dreamed of him. I dreamed that he came over to talk to me, to vent, to say exactly what was on his mind about me shunning him out of my life. In my dream he was crying, desperately seeking and answer as to why I would ruin his perfect friendship circle of trust between him and his 3 best friends. I was the weakest link and I had finally broken the perfect round shape into an imperfect line. My frustration grew as he was talking about everything but the reality of our situation, my reality. As my impatience escalated without me being able to get a word in and explain to him one more time that friendship was a consolation prize for me not the winning ticket, I woke up. Disappointed, I wasn’t able to get him to admit that the real reason why he was bent out of shape was because he missed me, because he loved me.
Sadly this was a dream, and only a dream. It let me to wonder about how he has been dealing with all of this. Does he think about our friendship, relationship, about me as a person? Does he miss me even a fraction of what I miss him? Simply put I, not him, is the one with all the puzzling questions and my dream was just a manifestation of my utter bewilderment. Sad, truly, when I think about what he’s done to me.

One Day at a Time: Day 48

It was unplanned, I swear. In an enclosed city area with about 100,000 people around, most of them in costume, you would think it would be literally impossible for exes to run into each other, right? Unless it was planned…right? Wrong!
I saw him maybe like 15 feet in front of me. Even with a costume on, I recognized him right away. I got nervous. My heart sank to my stomach. I could feel it switching gears into full speed, but I knew I couldn’t let the nerves get the best of me. I kept walking towards him and his friends. As I approached their huddle he walked away a few steps towards some other people.
I said hello to his two best friends, of course, trying to look naturally happy and unfazed. They asked me where I had been, as if they didn’t know. I answered politely, “around.” One of them pointed him out to me, “there he is, go say hi!” and smoothly I replied “oh yeah…” I looked over avoiding eye contact, and I could tell he was doing the same thing, while trying to act like he hadn’t realized I was there.
I felt my hands starting to shake. I attributed to the cold weather, and before it could get more awkward I said goodbye and I walked away. I got lost again in the crowd. I walked fast so I couldn’t be spotted from far away. Not that he would try to, but…
I thought about how I wished I’d never had to see him again, but how I knew it would be bound to happen someday. I never imagined it would be this early, only 2 months in. I had played the reunion in my head many times. I would always be nonchalant, cool, collected. I would leave him wanting more of me and as I would walk away he would be left sad, distraught, undone. Ha! So much for that, eh?

Candy Corn and a Side of Gore

In honor of Halloween this weekend I wanted to talk about the thing I like to do during the month of October to get in the mood for all hollows eve. I usually get in the festivity mood by watching horror flicks. For instance, this year I started with Nightmare on Elm Street (2010). Although I am an avid movie buff, horror is probably at the bottom of my favorite genre list, if not dead last. However, nothing says to me Halloween like cozying up on my couch with tons of candy, popcorn, soda, chips and scary movies such as these.

The Shining (1980) – Knowing that you’re all alone with no contact with the outside world and your husband turned into a deranged killer? Movie magic! This movie has many memorable cinematic scenes and lines that makes for an instant horror classic. I love Jack Nicholson’s performance. He is so good is frightening.

Halloween (1978) – I like that fact that is low budget independent film. Some cool trivia about this movie? It was filmed in the spring in southern California so in order to portray fall in Illinois the crew had to hand-paint leaves in autumn colors and reuse them over and over for different locations. Also, the director considered the hiring of Jamie Lee Curtis as the ultimate tribute to Alfred Hitchcock who had given her mother, Janet Leigh, legendary status in Psycho.

Psycho (1960) – Creepy is definitely the word I would use to describe this film. A grown man living alone with the corpse of his dead mother is enough of a twist to send chills down your spine. The main character suffers from a really bad case of multiple personality disorder in which he takes on the role of his mother to murder those that “she” believes stand in the way of their mother-son relationship.

Sleepy Hollow (1999) – alright, so this isn’t technically horror but I’ve loved the headless horseman story since I was very little. I like this version with Johnny Depp because I like how he develops characters and also like how Tim Burton direction is visually rewarding and adds to the eerie, mystical feel of the film.

The Exorcist (1973) – This movie is terrifying. Period. Scary movies involving children always creeps me out, but this one takes the cake. The demonic manifestations on Linda Blair’s character are nightmare inducing. You can’t watch this film alone.

Rx For Healing a Broken Heart

I thought that I had found the person that was the one for me. The one I had been waiting for, the person that made me whole. That made me be the best woman I thought I could be and want to be. Unfortunately, destiny had other plans for me, and such person is no longer in my life. That doesn’t mean that because I’m heading over a new path my feelings and aspirations inmediately disappeared. I was left with a broken heart and no manual to tell me how to fix it. However, I refuse to live in regret because I know everything happens for a reason. I must certainly feel that there are yet bigger and better things to come. In the mean time, I’m here dealing. It’s very difficult, but never impossible. I want to share key steps that I feel are pivotal to mend the emotionally crushed. So far they have been working for me. Everyday I feel more and more confident that I’ll be able to get over him and come out even stronger in the process. I hope this helps you too.

1. climb your personal mountain

2. allow yourself to feel bad

3. occupy your mind and body with constructive things

4. Avoid the former love. Yes, avoid

5. Talk out your feelings with close friends

6. Cry if you want to. It’s OK to cry over a loss. Don’t hold back, let the tears roll just do it in a safe and private place where it is unlikely to get back to your ex

7. Let go of mementos. Put away or give away anything and everything that reminds you of the relationship

8. Don’t slip up and get together with your ex. When you are feeling sad or missing a relationship it can be very easy to fall back in to the arms of your ex but DO NOT DO THIS!

9. Focus on all the things about your ex that drove you crazy, turned you off, or that you just plain found annoying. Think about these things often and replay them in your mind over and over. Dwell on them. It will make you feel better to remember that your former flame was not perfect and that there are things you won’t really miss

10. Think about the mean, cruel or rude things your ex may have done in your relationship. Really give these things play in your memory

11. Maintain a strict no contact policy and stick with it. Don’t make any calls. Stay away from instant messaging or texting on your cell. Just don’t contact your ex until you are totally and completely sure you no longer want to be with him or her. It is the only way

12. Don’t look at past relationships as failures, but rather as opportunities to learn and improve your relationship skills

13. Don’t worry that you’re not in a relationship. Your value comes from who you are, not who you’re with

One Day at a Time: Day 36

Last night I was watching an episode of How I Met Your Mother. The main story line was about how Ted changes his personality every time he meets a girl he likes. For instance, there was a montage where he was shown in hiking gear ready to go out with a girl that was outdoorsy even though he’s not, and so forth.

As I watched I thought about how maybe I have done that before and was never really aware.I thought about the things that I like that may have been influenced by him and see if it was really something I had an interest for or in fact it was my favorite because of him.

My favorite rapper, Jay-Z, is he really MY favorite? When it comes to rap I don’t really mind it, I can listen to it, but it’s really not my favorite genre, I think I have maybe like 10 rap songs all together on my Ipod and they are just really popular songs. My favorite music has always been Latin Pop. I probably know and own thousands of such type and my favorite artists are all from this genre. So I think it is safe to say that Mr. Sean Carter, although I do enjoy listening to his music from time to time and I do respect him as a business man, is not my favorite.

How about my favorite show, The Office? The Office was a show my brother introduced me to on their sophomore season after he watched the first one and really enjoyed the fresh, new way of shooting and producing a TV sitcom. I then promoted it to all my friends and turned most of them into avid Office fans, including him, so this one is mine and I’m sticking with it.

Finally, there are the few people that I became friends with while we were together, do I really wanted to build a relationship with them or was I just being cordial because of him? All the friends that I so desperately wanted to get approval from and would go to great lengths for them to like me so he could see that I was to be liked, well….he can keep them. I don’t miss them. I’ll keep my own.

I guess that I too, like Ted, would change my personality to adjust the object of my desire’s interests. Coming to this realization has made me understand that I don’t really have to do that at all. I can have my own interests, likes, hobbies without having to be all matchy-matchy with him. However, by trying new things is how you learn and are able to pass better judgment on whether you will like and enjoy something you never thought you would.

The Right to Cheat

I had a conversation with a good guy friend of mine regarding fidelity. He expressed that for him, as long as his partner is fulfilling his needs, there’s no reason to wonder off, but that he, in fact, had been unfaithful because his wife had been “acting up for a while.” His words, not mine.
So I asked him what that meant. He replied that as a wife, her duties were to always be available physically for him, to maintain their house clean, food on the table, and to take care of their children. He couldn’t understand why she would make up excuses for when he wanted to be intimate with her. He said it had been going on for too long and since she wasn’t giving it to him at home he went out looking for it elsewhere.

In his defense, he added that he performed his duties as a husband. He gave me a laundry list of the things he would do for her like flying her out for a weekend getaway. He works so she doesn’t have to, he is a good father to their children, and he buys her whatever she needs and wants, so why wasn’t she pulling her weight? He asked me. Why would she refuse to please me when all I do is please her?

All I kept thinking about was his wife. I thought about her reasons and excuses to not perform what was expected of her. So what about these marital duties? If you’re doing your part as a husband or wife and your still chose to cheat, what about then? The indiscretion has to be forgiven or overlooked because you are doing what you’re supposed to be doing at home? Now I ask myself, am I the type of person that allows to be cheated on?

I feel is extremely important to have the answer to that question before you enter a relationship. You have to know yourself, and understand your point of view from the beginning, so when it does happen, because it will, you are ready to do what you are supposed to do. I believe all of us as human beings living on this earth will experience at some point of our lives some kind of infidelity, so why not be prepared for it when it happens.

You have two options, you can be the accepting type; the one that will overlook and/or forgive an indiscretion and work together with your partner through any fidelity issue and stay together. Or option two; you can be the one who won’t stand for any wrongdoing and leave.

My friend got me thinking about a very interesting point. Most of the females I have discussed this issue with tell me that women cheat because there’s something lacking in the relationship, which is what my male friend was telling me now. I always assumed that men cheat because they feel they can, women cheat because they are trying to fill a void from their relationship.

Maybe it’s not a black and white answer, maybe there are some gray areas, and maybe men and women are not as different. Some men could cheat because they’re missing something, and some women cheat because they too feel they can.

No matter the reason, circumstance, situation or person involved, understanding what actions to take before the indiscretion has occurred will give you a sense of security because you’re prepared. Emotions can sometimes cloud the mind and not allow you to think straight.

10 Rules to Live and Love By

I read these rules on Oprah.com and I cliffsnote-it all up for you to enjoy as well. I know Fun Fridays are supposed to be fun, but I thought that this inspirational piece can also be a fun thing to try. Well, at least for me because these rules resonate with the truth and spirit I want to live by.

1. Love. See life through a lens of love rather than fear.

2. Forgive. Be willing to forgive yourself and your partner, and to make amends when necessary. This is not an excuse for staying in a dysfunctional situation, but an opportunity to see innocence. Once we do that we gain freedom to move on from being stuck in the same place.

3. Relax. Relaxing when times get tough allows you to roll with the punches. Say to yourself “this too shall pass”.

4. Be self-aware. Recognize your impulse to create distance rather than intimacy and get back on track. Observe who you are and what you do within the context of a relationship.

5. Pray. When you don’t know how to handle a problem, pray and meditate. Surrender decisions to the Spirit.

6. Respect. Honor your partner’s path and allow them the space to find their own way. If you try to help where help is not requested, you are signaling your lack of believe in your partner. Give yourself a rest in overseeing you partner’s personal business. We are all in this path of realization and expansion together, each of us is unique in our lesson to be learned.

7. Learn. The moment we think we have it all figured out is the moment things will come crashing down around us. Keep up your personal growth, immerse yourself in learning, you will always have new skills and interests to apply to a relationship, and thus the relationship will always feel fresh and relevant.

8. Be Passionate. Follow the path of your own creativity. Engage in your passions and you will radiate passionate energy, and thus maintain the interest of your own partner and so having your own sense of fulfillment.

9. Stay present. Life does not exist in future predictions or past grievances; all we have for sure is right here and right now.

10. Be grateful. Gratitude is like a seed you plant; it grows more as it is watered and nourished. The acknowledgement of good will can forth more of the same.

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My Love Formula

For a relationship to be a success I like to put it in math terms. My formula is 100/50. 100% happy 50% of the time. If I’m not getting 100/50 then it’s time to bail out. So I’m faced with the most pivotal of questions; what is my definition of happy?
I’d like to be with someone who makes me feel special; smart, beautiful, interesting, funny, passionate, caring, but like I’m the only one in the world with these qualities. Someone who makes me give myself selflessly, without hesitation, without feeling like is a chore. I would give my all and not even realize it. Working issues out would be a fun challenge. Even getting mad or upset would not be a big deal because we can always work it out, talk it out, weight it out, and discuss it without hurting each other. Compromises would seem always like a win-win situation. Am I describing a perfect relationship? Maybe…Is it something impossible to obtain? I don’t believe so. I think this is what would work for me if I’m with someone who I love, who loves me too, and we’re not selfish about it. I think this is all it would take. That, and lots of butterfly kisses and bear hugs!