Honest Actions or Ulterior Motives?

How do I honestly come up with things to do without an ulterior motive to eventually benefit me in the end? I would like to be able to stop concocting these extravagant scores to achieve what I thing would be good for me and just live and let life and destiny take me wherever it would be. I always do this; try to take matters into my own hands. May it be impatience, determination, habit, whatever. I cannot succumb from doing this.

I can’t begin to understand why my need to control all kinds of situations in my life. I wish the process of understanding my dilemma would be already settled in my head so this entry could have a problem, explanation, and resolution with maybe a moral in the end, but so much for wishing, right?

Why do I resort to past habits that I know for a fact don’t work and only give me grief and false hope? I don’t know…because that’s what I’ve done for years, it’s my comfort zone, it’s my default setting.
How can I deprogram what I’ve been subconsciously resorting to for years and years? By doing the opposite, you may suggest, but restraining myself from living and having a life, enclosing myself within the four walls of my apartment and cutting myself out from any kind of human interaction, punishing myself…is that really the answer? Is it? Is it?

The maze that is my head is getting stronger and more intricate as time goes by. I have no roadmaps, no signs, no GPS to help me, even though I was the architect, the creator, the mastermind behind this complex labyrinth.

Letting You in my Little Secret

I haven’t really been very vocal about my grand decision of cutting him off my life. Very few people know, and by few I mean 3 people. Lately I’ve been wondering why I have chosen not to say anything. I thought about how maybe what I do and don’t do isn’t anyone’s business. Also, I wonder that maybe I’m not big into sharing because letting everyone in my little secret somehow will etch my decision in stone with no room for failure. In any case, whatever the reason is I think I’m ready now to divulge it without hesitation simply because now I feel that maybe letting people know will allow them to help me with the process. The bigger the army, the greater the chances of me winning the war.
I decided to first talk to a few key characters in this novella.
My mother. She dislikes him so much, maybe her sympathy and happiness will fuel me to continue.
His cousin. She was my VIP access to his life for certain things. By her being involved now maybe I won’t have to hear who he is or isn’t dating and she’ll be more discrete by respecting my feelings.
My friend related to his ex. By opening up this “bomb” to her maybe I’ll get closer to her like I used to be before she got caught in the middle of this love triangle. I miss her so.
Our mutual friends. There are many of them, and, sincerely, having to pretend like we’re “A-Ok” is really taking a toll on me. I despise them for asking me every time they see me how he’s doing, and what he’s up to. Maybe by opening up they’ll respect my wishes of not wanting to talk about him, and maybe, just maybe they’ll help me, support me, and encourage me to move on for good.
Understanding that my needs go above his and the rest is half the battle. I will do and say what is right for me and what will ultimately help me get over him.

One Day at a Time: Day 54

“Sueñate conmigo” was something I used to say almost every night right before we would hang up the phone. Call it not-so-subliminal message for him to do exactly that; dream about me. I would plant that last seed in his conscious and ultimately (by repetition) in his subconscious mind so all his shut-eye would be centered around or about me. It would work sometimes (I didn’t say this science was perfect).
The point of me bringing up a glimpse of my twisted, little science project is that last night I dreamed of him. I dreamed that he came over to talk to me, to vent, to say exactly what was on his mind about me shunning him out of my life. In my dream he was crying, desperately seeking and answer as to why I would ruin his perfect friendship circle of trust between him and his 3 best friends. I was the weakest link and I had finally broken the perfect round shape into an imperfect line. My frustration grew as he was talking about everything but the reality of our situation, my reality. As my impatience escalated without me being able to get a word in and explain to him one more time that friendship was a consolation prize for me not the winning ticket, I woke up. Disappointed, I wasn’t able to get him to admit that the real reason why he was bent out of shape was because he missed me, because he loved me.
Sadly this was a dream, and only a dream. It let me to wonder about how he has been dealing with all of this. Does he think about our friendship, relationship, about me as a person? Does he miss me even a fraction of what I miss him? Simply put I, not him, is the one with all the puzzling questions and my dream was just a manifestation of my utter bewilderment. Sad, truly, when I think about what he’s done to me.

Stumped

I’ve been thinking all day on what to write for my usual Fun Friday post and honestly, I’m stumped. I’ve been so busy with work that I haven’t been as attentive to write a post a day like I had in the past, resorting to make it up the next day by writing 2 a day. I guess I could start doing multiple entries, but I don’t know if one substatial entry is better than multiple “light” ones. I don’t know, I guess I’ll try it out and see how it works better for me. At the end of the day, it’s my blog, I can cry if I want to! hehe.

Travel Tips

I really enjoy travelling, experiencing different environments, customs, people, and seeing things for the first time around all corners of our wonderful planet. One thing I don’t like so much? The actual “travelling”. You know… the airports, airplanes, packing, and security check-ins, basically all of those things we have to do in order for us to be able to get to our destination. Having collected my fare share of frequent flyer miles, I have a few tricks I want to share with you and maybe this will make your next trip experience more enjoyable.
Dress comfortably. I like to wear jeans, or leggings, and slip on flats, or sandals. This is a good idea, not only so you can sit on those uncomfortable airplane seats for long flights but also to be able to pass through security without any issues. Depending on the weather in my destination, of course, think of shoes you can remove and put back on easily without having to waste too much time.
Get cozy. Airplanes get cold 30,000 feet off the ground so I try to be prepared by bringing my own “blanket.” I carry with me a scarf made up of a soft, warm material to keep warm on the plane. Also, I bring ankle sox just in case my feet get cold. I choose ankle sox because they can be rolled up into a small ball and I can place them in my purse without taking up too much space.

Easy access. At the airport you will be showing your identification, passport, ticket, etc. at many checkpoints throughout. I don’t want to be digging in my purse every time, risking that something important may fall off in the process. You don’t want to be juggling around your ID’s, purse, carry-on, suitcase, and cell in your hands, it’s just too much. I use a passport cover to store my passport, ID, and ticket. It’s all neatly organized and it’s only one thing to store away or take out of my bag. Simple.

Be colorful. Watching the conveyer belt go around carrying a sea of black bags inspired me to be bold and different. I want my bag to stand out so even if I’m across the way of the baggage claim area I can still spot my luggage coming down. Anything but black is good, really. If you can’t afford to change your current black luggage try a colorful tag, it’ll do the trick as well.

Ready for anything. I always carry with me inside my purse gum, and travel versions of these items; hand lotion, hand sanitizer, Dramamine, tissue paper and eye drops. I’ve learned from past experiences that airport stores, although convenient, are very expensive. I choose to have these things with me and not have to worry if anything ever happens. Make sure you do too, wouldn’t want you to miss your flight because you’re standing in line at a gift shop or newsstand.

Attention Shoppers!

Halloween is over so it only means one thing. The holiday season is upon us. One of my favorite things to do is to go through Neiman Marcus’ The Christmas Book catalog and take my pick at the gifts that call my attention and wish to get every year. This also includes the oh so extravagant, and over-the-top expensive fantasy gifts. A girl can dream, can’t I? I definitely recommend you take a look at the book. If you don’t get the catalog delivered you can flip through it online.
Without further ado, here is a list of the goodies that I’m so including in my Dear Santa’s letter. Hehe!

Aquatalia mink-cuffed boots $795. They are waterproof, have a cute, stylish, wedge and they come in expresso and black. You can match it with any outfit this winter.

Gucci Vintage Boston bowler bag $990.00
It has the same style as a LV Speedy which I love. Gucci is one of my favorite design labels so this would be a very nice addition to my handbag collection. I specially like the vitage green and red stripe right down the middle. Very festive!

Juicy Couture ballet flats $195.00
These flats are super cute! I love wearing heels, but sometimes it gets to be too much at the office. Having trendy, comfortable shoes to switch it up is a must.
Byte By Teso suede and fur vest $2,750.00 Fur vests are in this season and this trend looks good and is practical for those cool fall days and nights.
Michael Kors cashmere coat $2,795.00
This coat is the perfect glamorous look to walk around in a snowy night. Very sex and the city. I wanted a white coat for a while now and this is the perfect one!

Edible Gingerbread Playhouse by Dylan’s Candy Bar $15,000.00
I love making gingerbread houses for the holidays. They are a really entertaining way to pass the time and they’re fun to eat too! So why not indulge on this house and eat your way out of it!

Luxury at Home

Sometimes you have to indulge in the little things that make you feel like a million bucks. These are the things that turn your house into a home. I work hard for my money and I deserve a little wiggle room for play. So do you! Here are some of the things I won’t skimp on. I deserve the best in my own home.

Chandeliers

They immediately makes a room into a statement of your space. It’s like jewelry for the home. Under chandelier lighting anyone looks like a movie star. They create an ambiance of relaxation. The sparkles make me feel more feminine, glamorous, and luxurious; everything you want to feel in your own home when you are relaxing or you’re hosting a party and having fun…and peaking of having fun…

Home Bar

I love entertaining, so having a bar area in my house is very important to me. You want your guest to feel welcome, and like they don’t need to go anywhere else to have a good time. Keep all your utensils, shakers, glasses, bottles and garnishes neatly organized in a beautiful and functional bar or table. Keep it stocked all the time because you never know when there will be an impromptu time for celebration.

Drapery

It dresses up any room and also gives it softness for the harsh lines of the walls and furniture. Pulled back, they allow the sun to shine though and dress up your windows like a lush scarf. Closed, the window treatments give you more privacy and create a feeling of an exclusive nook just for you. Choose fabrics like silk, organza, velvet or linen allowing the textures to speak to you. Decide what feelings you want your room to evoke and go for it.

Throws

They need to be in luxury fabrics that are both warm and soft. I keep them on my sofa and at the foot of my bed, so no matter what room of the house I am at I’m always warm in the winter time. They are also a great decoration piece if you contrast the color with your furniture. It looks effortless, casual, and homey. Choose soft to the touch fabrics like cashmere or fur.

Soaps & Salts

I like to keep natural, hand-made, organic soaps and salts to give my bathroom a feeling of a five-star resort spa. When you need to unwind after a long day at work, just soak up in a bath with aromatic salts or shower with the aromatic soaps to feel recharged and refreshed. My bathroom ends up smelling really good and I feel soft and clean, pure bliss! Also, If you have company staying overnight you can make their bathroom experience all the more fancy with white towels, a fresh new bar of soap and a little sea salt bag. I like Mario Russo’s products because they have a rustic, exclusive look to them. Trés chic!

My Love Formula

For a relationship to be a success I like to put it in math terms. My formula is 100/50. 100% happy 50% of the time. If I’m not getting 100/50 then it’s time to bail out. So I’m faced with the most pivotal of questions; what is my definition of happy?
I’d like to be with someone who makes me feel special; smart, beautiful, interesting, funny, passionate, caring, but like I’m the only one in the world with these qualities. Someone who makes me give myself selflessly, without hesitation, without feeling like is a chore. I would give my all and not even realize it. Working issues out would be a fun challenge. Even getting mad or upset would not be a big deal because we can always work it out, talk it out, weight it out, and discuss it without hurting each other. Compromises would seem always like a win-win situation. Am I describing a perfect relationship? Maybe…Is it something impossible to obtain? I don’t believe so. I think this is what would work for me if I’m with someone who I love, who loves me too, and we’re not selfish about it. I think this is all it would take. That, and lots of butterfly kisses and bear hugs!

Do you believe?

I believe! The faith I have in me is slowly growing and it makes me happy to know that. There was a time when I thought that I could do anything, that I was invincible. That all I had to do was want something and I would get it. Ah! the naïveness of my believe was quite admirable and pitiful at the same time. However, this can-do attitude took me very far compared to other stereotypical counterparts.
Fast-forward a few years of emotional bullying and life’s reality check. I had completely changed this view. My attitude had morphed into a “why-me?” Life had thrown me a series of tests that in my eyes I had failed miserably. This was my distorted assessment of the truth until I had my own Aha! moment.
Now, I see things differently. Looking back at all the trials that I had to experience in the last years they were not failures, but were reaffirmations of my resilience to overcome, persevere, and rise above. My “why me?” attitude was truly a “survivor” mind-set. Once I had this realization I saw my life completely different and hence started to get my old mentality back. The faith I have in me is nowhere near what it used to be but slowly getting there. My old attitude was mostly driven on naïve notions of the world. I was the center of the universe and people and things revolved around me just because.
I know better now. I can do whatever I set my mind to do, I can achieve anything I put all my heart and soul into, I have faith in God and the people that truly care and have the best interest in me. How did my mind frame change? I recognized that I needed help so I actively made an effort to seek it. Here are some things you can do:

Therapy. This is very crucial because it’s professional help. You can get a lot detangled that you didn’t even know was a problem in your life in the first place. I’m not going to say it can’t be done alone, but it is probably very difficult. Why make it harder than it has to be. It already is a challenge; don’t try to reinvent the wheel.
Support groups. Whether is family, friends or online chats, even all at the same time. People around you that are cheering for you, that are providing a helping hand in difficult times, lending an ear for you to let it all out or just showing that they care. This is a great thing to have when you’re feeling inadequate. Once I got some of my friends and family that I felt comfortable sharing my issues with involved, they offered their very kind and generous support, their time and advice.
Mentor. A mentor can be so important because they can give you that courage you’re lacking to follow your dreams. They have been there, they know the ropes and they are willing to give you tips, advice and to give you that little push you need to get it going.
Get involved. Advocate, volunteer, and believe in something bigger than you, like a cause, a movement, a charity, anything that stops making you think in terms of you and more in terms of others and their needs. I got involved in a charity that advocates towards battered women because it’s a cause dear to my heart.
Educate yourself. Read books, magazines, anything that will expand your knowledge on things you care about and are interested in. I’m currently reading self-help books because of their inspiration and positive outlook.