Tag Archives: relationships

Divorce Killed the Matrimony Star

18 Nov

An Associated Press article came out today in most news outlets about a study by the Pew Research Center, in association with Time magazine that reported 4 out of 10 people say marriage is becoming obsolete. Reading this article made me think about my own believes and views about the institution of marriage and what it means to me.

It’s very unfortunate that the image and desire I had to one day create my own family by taking the vows of marriage in front of my family and friends have changed. I believe too highly in the holy sacrament of marriage. To think that someone else I’m involved with could not regard this commitment in the same level that I do, whether I like it or not, is unfathomable. In this day and age it’s very rare to find a person who thinks like me, so why risk it? Why disrespect it? May as well never even try it just to avoid disappointment.

How about if I would just meet whoever I’m going to meet in this lifetime and have a comradeship, mutual respect, and companionship? And WHEN (not “if” because it WILL happen) we had enough of each other the separation won’t be this major rupture (this is my catholic self chiming in) of the oath we swore to God in front of witnesses. Whether it last a few weeks, months, or a few years there’s always the chance to start over fresh and new and not with the stigma of failure at the attempt of a happily ever after.

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Letting You in my Little Secret

8 Nov

I haven’t really been very vocal about my grand decision of cutting him off my life. Very few people know, and by few I mean 3 people. Lately I’ve been wondering why I have chosen not to say anything. I thought about how maybe what I do and don’t do isn’t anyone’s business. Also, I wonder that maybe I’m not big into sharing because letting everyone in my little secret somehow will etch my decision in stone with no room for failure. In any case, whatever the reason is I think I’m ready now to divulge it without hesitation simply because now I feel that maybe letting people know will allow them to help me with the process. The bigger the army, the greater the chances of me winning the war.
I decided to first talk to a few key characters in this novella.
My mother. She dislikes him so much, maybe her sympathy and happiness will fuel me to continue.
His cousin. She was my VIP access to his life for certain things. By her being involved now maybe I won’t have to hear who he is or isn’t dating and she’ll be more discrete by respecting my feelings.
My friend related to his ex. By opening up this “bomb” to her maybe I’ll get closer to her like I used to be before she got caught in the middle of this love triangle. I miss her so.
Our mutual friends. There are many of them, and, sincerely, having to pretend like we’re “A-Ok” is really taking a toll on me. I despise them for asking me every time they see me how he’s doing, and what he’s up to. Maybe by opening up they’ll respect my wishes of not wanting to talk about him, and maybe, just maybe they’ll help me, support me, and encourage me to move on for good.
Understanding that my needs go above his and the rest is half the battle. I will do and say what is right for me and what will ultimately help me get over him.

One Day at a Time: Day 54

6 Nov

“Sueñate conmigo” was something I used to say almost every night right before we would hang up the phone. Call it not-so-subliminal message for him to do exactly that; dream about me. I would plant that last seed in his conscious and ultimately (by repetition) in his subconscious mind so all his shut-eye would be centered around or about me. It would work sometimes (I didn’t say this science was perfect).
The point of me bringing up a glimpse of my twisted, little science project is that last night I dreamed of him. I dreamed that he came over to talk to me, to vent, to say exactly what was on his mind about me shunning him out of my life. In my dream he was crying, desperately seeking and answer as to why I would ruin his perfect friendship circle of trust between him and his 3 best friends. I was the weakest link and I had finally broken the perfect round shape into an imperfect line. My frustration grew as he was talking about everything but the reality of our situation, my reality. As my impatience escalated without me being able to get a word in and explain to him one more time that friendship was a consolation prize for me not the winning ticket, I woke up. Disappointed, I wasn’t able to get him to admit that the real reason why he was bent out of shape was because he missed me, because he loved me.
Sadly this was a dream, and only a dream. It let me to wonder about how he has been dealing with all of this. Does he think about our friendship, relationship, about me as a person? Does he miss me even a fraction of what I miss him? Simply put I, not him, is the one with all the puzzling questions and my dream was just a manifestation of my utter bewilderment. Sad, truly, when I think about what he’s done to me.

One Day at a Time: Day 48

1 Nov

It was unplanned, I swear. In an enclosed city area with about 100,000 people around, most of them in costume, you would think it would be literally impossible for exes to run into each other, right? Unless it was planned…right? Wrong!
I saw him maybe like 15 feet in front of me. Even with a costume on, I recognized him right away. I got nervous. My heart sank to my stomach. I could feel it switching gears into full speed, but I knew I couldn’t let the nerves get the best of me. I kept walking towards him and his friends. As I approached their huddle he walked away a few steps towards some other people.
I said hello to his two best friends, of course, trying to look naturally happy and unfazed. They asked me where I had been, as if they didn’t know. I answered politely, “around.” One of them pointed him out to me, “there he is, go say hi!” and smoothly I replied “oh yeah…” I looked over avoiding eye contact, and I could tell he was doing the same thing, while trying to act like he hadn’t realized I was there.
I felt my hands starting to shake. I attributed to the cold weather, and before it could get more awkward I said goodbye and I walked away. I got lost again in the crowd. I walked fast so I couldn’t be spotted from far away. Not that he would try to, but…
I thought about how I wished I’d never had to see him again, but how I knew it would be bound to happen someday. I never imagined it would be this early, only 2 months in. I had played the reunion in my head many times. I would always be nonchalant, cool, collected. I would leave him wanting more of me and as I would walk away he would be left sad, distraught, undone. Ha! So much for that, eh?

The Right to Cheat

18 Oct

I had a conversation with a good guy friend of mine regarding fidelity. He expressed that for him, as long as his partner is fulfilling his needs, there’s no reason to wonder off, but that he, in fact, had been unfaithful because his wife had been “acting up for a while.” His words, not mine.
So I asked him what that meant. He replied that as a wife, her duties were to always be available physically for him, to maintain their house clean, food on the table, and to take care of their children. He couldn’t understand why she would make up excuses for when he wanted to be intimate with her. He said it had been going on for too long and since she wasn’t giving it to him at home he went out looking for it elsewhere.

In his defense, he added that he performed his duties as a husband. He gave me a laundry list of the things he would do for her like flying her out for a weekend getaway. He works so she doesn’t have to, he is a good father to their children, and he buys her whatever she needs and wants, so why wasn’t she pulling her weight? He asked me. Why would she refuse to please me when all I do is please her?

All I kept thinking about was his wife. I thought about her reasons and excuses to not perform what was expected of her. So what about these marital duties? If you’re doing your part as a husband or wife and your still chose to cheat, what about then? The indiscretion has to be forgiven or overlooked because you are doing what you’re supposed to be doing at home? Now I ask myself, am I the type of person that allows to be cheated on?

I feel is extremely important to have the answer to that question before you enter a relationship. You have to know yourself, and understand your point of view from the beginning, so when it does happen, because it will, you are ready to do what you are supposed to do. I believe all of us as human beings living on this earth will experience at some point of our lives some kind of infidelity, so why not be prepared for it when it happens.

You have two options, you can be the accepting type; the one that will overlook and/or forgive an indiscretion and work together with your partner through any fidelity issue and stay together. Or option two; you can be the one who won’t stand for any wrongdoing and leave.

My friend got me thinking about a very interesting point. Most of the females I have discussed this issue with tell me that women cheat because there’s something lacking in the relationship, which is what my male friend was telling me now. I always assumed that men cheat because they feel they can, women cheat because they are trying to fill a void from their relationship.

Maybe it’s not a black and white answer, maybe there are some gray areas, and maybe men and women are not as different. Some men could cheat because they’re missing something, and some women cheat because they too feel they can.

No matter the reason, circumstance, situation or person involved, understanding what actions to take before the indiscretion has occurred will give you a sense of security because you’re prepared. Emotions can sometimes cloud the mind and not allow you to think straight.