Tag Archives: personal

Divorce Killed the Matrimony Star

18 Nov

An Associated Press article came out today in most news outlets about a study by the Pew Research Center, in association with Time magazine that reported 4 out of 10 people say marriage is becoming obsolete. Reading this article made me think about my own believes and views about the institution of marriage and what it means to me.

It’s very unfortunate that the image and desire I had to one day create my own family by taking the vows of marriage in front of my family and friends have changed. I believe too highly in the holy sacrament of marriage. To think that someone else I’m involved with could not regard this commitment in the same level that I do, whether I like it or not, is unfathomable. In this day and age it’s very rare to find a person who thinks like me, so why risk it? Why disrespect it? May as well never even try it just to avoid disappointment.

How about if I would just meet whoever I’m going to meet in this lifetime and have a comradeship, mutual respect, and companionship? And WHEN (not “if” because it WILL happen) we had enough of each other the separation won’t be this major rupture (this is my catholic self chiming in) of the oath we swore to God in front of witnesses. Whether it last a few weeks, months, or a few years there’s always the chance to start over fresh and new and not with the stigma of failure at the attempt of a happily ever after.

Honest Actions or Ulterior Motives?

16 Nov

How do I honestly come up with things to do without an ulterior motive to eventually benefit me in the end? I would like to be able to stop concocting these extravagant scores to achieve what I thing would be good for me and just live and let life and destiny take me wherever it would be. I always do this; try to take matters into my own hands. May it be impatience, determination, habit, whatever. I cannot succumb from doing this.

I can’t begin to understand why my need to control all kinds of situations in my life. I wish the process of understanding my dilemma would be already settled in my head so this entry could have a problem, explanation, and resolution with maybe a moral in the end, but so much for wishing, right?

Why do I resort to past habits that I know for a fact don’t work and only give me grief and false hope? I don’t know…because that’s what I’ve done for years, it’s my comfort zone, it’s my default setting.
How can I deprogram what I’ve been subconsciously resorting to for years and years? By doing the opposite, you may suggest, but restraining myself from living and having a life, enclosing myself within the four walls of my apartment and cutting myself out from any kind of human interaction, punishing myself…is that really the answer? Is it? Is it?

The maze that is my head is getting stronger and more intricate as time goes by. I have no roadmaps, no signs, no GPS to help me, even though I was the architect, the creator, the mastermind behind this complex labyrinth.

Skydiving into My Future

9 Nov

I always say that I like to keep things fresh and exciting, that I welcome spontaneity and change with open arms. But then change does happen and I’m left nervous, anxious, and afraid.
Such is this transitional time in my life where I’m taking on a new path of evolution and I’m terrified. Exited, but terrified. The pilot has finally opened the door, I’m standing there ready to jump, I have to stop, take a big breath, close my eyes and leap into the exciting unknown it is this new chapter in my life. See you down there!

Letting You in my Little Secret

8 Nov

I haven’t really been very vocal about my grand decision of cutting him off my life. Very few people know, and by few I mean 3 people. Lately I’ve been wondering why I have chosen not to say anything. I thought about how maybe what I do and don’t do isn’t anyone’s business. Also, I wonder that maybe I’m not big into sharing because letting everyone in my little secret somehow will etch my decision in stone with no room for failure. In any case, whatever the reason is I think I’m ready now to divulge it without hesitation simply because now I feel that maybe letting people know will allow them to help me with the process. The bigger the army, the greater the chances of me winning the war.
I decided to first talk to a few key characters in this novella.
My mother. She dislikes him so much, maybe her sympathy and happiness will fuel me to continue.
His cousin. She was my VIP access to his life for certain things. By her being involved now maybe I won’t have to hear who he is or isn’t dating and she’ll be more discrete by respecting my feelings.
My friend related to his ex. By opening up this “bomb” to her maybe I’ll get closer to her like I used to be before she got caught in the middle of this love triangle. I miss her so.
Our mutual friends. There are many of them, and, sincerely, having to pretend like we’re “A-Ok” is really taking a toll on me. I despise them for asking me every time they see me how he’s doing, and what he’s up to. Maybe by opening up they’ll respect my wishes of not wanting to talk about him, and maybe, just maybe they’ll help me, support me, and encourage me to move on for good.
Understanding that my needs go above his and the rest is half the battle. I will do and say what is right for me and what will ultimately help me get over him.

One Day at a Time: Day 54

6 Nov

“Sueñate conmigo” was something I used to say almost every night right before we would hang up the phone. Call it not-so-subliminal message for him to do exactly that; dream about me. I would plant that last seed in his conscious and ultimately (by repetition) in his subconscious mind so all his shut-eye would be centered around or about me. It would work sometimes (I didn’t say this science was perfect).
The point of me bringing up a glimpse of my twisted, little science project is that last night I dreamed of him. I dreamed that he came over to talk to me, to vent, to say exactly what was on his mind about me shunning him out of my life. In my dream he was crying, desperately seeking and answer as to why I would ruin his perfect friendship circle of trust between him and his 3 best friends. I was the weakest link and I had finally broken the perfect round shape into an imperfect line. My frustration grew as he was talking about everything but the reality of our situation, my reality. As my impatience escalated without me being able to get a word in and explain to him one more time that friendship was a consolation prize for me not the winning ticket, I woke up. Disappointed, I wasn’t able to get him to admit that the real reason why he was bent out of shape was because he missed me, because he loved me.
Sadly this was a dream, and only a dream. It let me to wonder about how he has been dealing with all of this. Does he think about our friendship, relationship, about me as a person? Does he miss me even a fraction of what I miss him? Simply put I, not him, is the one with all the puzzling questions and my dream was just a manifestation of my utter bewilderment. Sad, truly, when I think about what he’s done to me.

Travel Tips

3 Nov


I really enjoy travelling, experiencing different environments, customs, people, and seeing things for the first time around all corners of our wonderful planet. One thing I don’t like so much? The actual “travelling”. You know… the airports, airplanes, packing, and security check-ins, basically all of those things we have to do in order for us to be able to get to our destination. Having collected my fare share of frequent flyer miles, I have a few tricks I want to share with you and maybe this will make your next trip experience more enjoyable.
Dress comfortably. I like to wear jeans, or leggings, and slip on flats, or sandals. This is a good idea, not only so you can sit on those uncomfortable airplane seats for long flights but also to be able to pass through security without any issues. Depending on the weather in my destination, of course, think of shoes you can remove and put back on easily without having to waste too much time.
Get cozy. Airplanes get cold 30,000 feet off the ground so I try to be prepared by bringing my own “blanket.” I carry with me a scarf made up of a soft, warm material to keep warm on the plane. Also, I bring ankle sox just in case my feet get cold. I choose ankle sox because they can be rolled up into a small ball and I can place them in my purse without taking up too much space.

Easy access. At the airport you will be showing your identification, passport, ticket, etc. at many checkpoints throughout. I don’t want to be digging in my purse every time, risking that something important may fall off in the process. You don’t want to be juggling around your ID’s, purse, carry-on, suitcase, and cell in your hands, it’s just too much. I use a passport cover to store my passport, ID, and ticket. It’s all neatly organized and it’s only one thing to store away or take out of my bag. Simple.

Be colorful. Watching the conveyer belt go around carrying a sea of black bags inspired me to be bold and different. I want my bag to stand out so even if I’m across the way of the baggage claim area I can still spot my luggage coming down. Anything but black is good, really. If you can’t afford to change your current black luggage try a colorful tag, it’ll do the trick as well.

Ready for anything. I always carry with me inside my purse gum, and travel versions of these items; hand lotion, hand sanitizer, Dramamine, tissue paper and eye drops. I’ve learned from past experiences that airport stores, although convenient, are very expensive. I choose to have these things with me and not have to worry if anything ever happens. Make sure you do too, wouldn’t want you to miss your flight because you’re standing in line at a gift shop or newsstand.

One Day at a Time: Day 48

1 Nov

It was unplanned, I swear. In an enclosed city area with about 100,000 people around, most of them in costume, you would think it would be literally impossible for exes to run into each other, right? Unless it was planned…right? Wrong!
I saw him maybe like 15 feet in front of me. Even with a costume on, I recognized him right away. I got nervous. My heart sank to my stomach. I could feel it switching gears into full speed, but I knew I couldn’t let the nerves get the best of me. I kept walking towards him and his friends. As I approached their huddle he walked away a few steps towards some other people.
I said hello to his two best friends, of course, trying to look naturally happy and unfazed. They asked me where I had been, as if they didn’t know. I answered politely, “around.” One of them pointed him out to me, “there he is, go say hi!” and smoothly I replied “oh yeah…” I looked over avoiding eye contact, and I could tell he was doing the same thing, while trying to act like he hadn’t realized I was there.
I felt my hands starting to shake. I attributed to the cold weather, and before it could get more awkward I said goodbye and I walked away. I got lost again in the crowd. I walked fast so I couldn’t be spotted from far away. Not that he would try to, but…
I thought about how I wished I’d never had to see him again, but how I knew it would be bound to happen someday. I never imagined it would be this early, only 2 months in. I had played the reunion in my head many times. I would always be nonchalant, cool, collected. I would leave him wanting more of me and as I would walk away he would be left sad, distraught, undone. Ha! So much for that, eh?

Candy Corn and a Side of Gore

28 Oct

In honor of Halloween this weekend I wanted to talk about the thing I like to do during the month of October to get in the mood for all hollows eve. I usually get in the festivity mood by watching horror flicks. For instance, this year I started with Nightmare on Elm Street (2010). Although I am an avid movie buff, horror is probably at the bottom of my favorite genre list, if not dead last. However, nothing says to me Halloween like cozying up on my couch with tons of candy, popcorn, soda, chips and scary movies such as these.

The Shining (1980) – Knowing that you’re all alone with no contact with the outside world and your husband turned into a deranged killer? Movie magic! This movie has many memorable cinematic scenes and lines that makes for an instant horror classic. I love Jack Nicholson’s performance. He is so good is frightening.

Halloween (1978) – I like that fact that is low budget independent film. Some cool trivia about this movie? It was filmed in the spring in southern California so in order to portray fall in Illinois the crew had to hand-paint leaves in autumn colors and reuse them over and over for different locations. Also, the director considered the hiring of Jamie Lee Curtis as the ultimate tribute to Alfred Hitchcock who had given her mother, Janet Leigh, legendary status in Psycho.

Psycho (1960) – Creepy is definitely the word I would use to describe this film. A grown man living alone with the corpse of his dead mother is enough of a twist to send chills down your spine. The main character suffers from a really bad case of multiple personality disorder in which he takes on the role of his mother to murder those that “she” believes stand in the way of their mother-son relationship.

Sleepy Hollow (1999) – alright, so this isn’t technically horror but I’ve loved the headless horseman story since I was very little. I like this version with Johnny Depp because I like how he develops characters and also like how Tim Burton direction is visually rewarding and adds to the eerie, mystical feel of the film.

The Exorcist (1973) – This movie is terrifying. Period. Scary movies involving children always creeps me out, but this one takes the cake. The demonic manifestations on Linda Blair’s character are nightmare inducing. You can’t watch this film alone.

Luxury at Home

28 Oct

Sometimes you have to indulge in the little things that make you feel like a million bucks. These are the things that turn your house into a home. I work hard for my money and I deserve a little wiggle room for play. So do you! Here are some of the things I won’t skimp on. I deserve the best in my own home.

Chandeliers

They immediately makes a room into a statement of your space. It’s like jewelry for the home. Under chandelier lighting anyone looks like a movie star. They create an ambiance of relaxation. The sparkles make me feel more feminine, glamorous, and luxurious; everything you want to feel in your own home when you are relaxing or you’re hosting a party and having fun…and peaking of having fun…

Home Bar

I love entertaining, so having a bar area in my house is very important to me. You want your guest to feel welcome, and like they don’t need to go anywhere else to have a good time. Keep all your utensils, shakers, glasses, bottles and garnishes neatly organized in a beautiful and functional bar or table. Keep it stocked all the time because you never know when there will be an impromptu time for celebration.

Drapery

It dresses up any room and also gives it softness for the harsh lines of the walls and furniture. Pulled back, they allow the sun to shine though and dress up your windows like a lush scarf. Closed, the window treatments give you more privacy and create a feeling of an exclusive nook just for you. Choose fabrics like silk, organza, velvet or linen allowing the textures to speak to you. Decide what feelings you want your room to evoke and go for it.

Throws

They need to be in luxury fabrics that are both warm and soft. I keep them on my sofa and at the foot of my bed, so no matter what room of the house I am at I’m always warm in the winter time. They are also a great decoration piece if you contrast the color with your furniture. It looks effortless, casual, and homey. Choose soft to the touch fabrics like cashmere or fur.

Soaps & Salts

I like to keep natural, hand-made, organic soaps and salts to give my bathroom a feeling of a five-star resort spa. When you need to unwind after a long day at work, just soak up in a bath with aromatic salts or shower with the aromatic soaps to feel recharged and refreshed. My bathroom ends up smelling really good and I feel soft and clean, pure bliss! Also, If you have company staying overnight you can make their bathroom experience all the more fancy with white towels, a fresh new bar of soap and a little sea salt bag. I like Mario Russo’s products because they have a rustic, exclusive look to them. Trés chic!

Rx For Healing a Broken Heart

25 Oct

I thought that I had found the person that was the one for me. The one I had been waiting for, the person that made me whole. That made me be the best woman I thought I could be and want to be. Unfortunately, destiny had other plans for me, and such person is no longer in my life. That doesn’t mean that because I’m heading over a new path my feelings and aspirations inmediately disappeared. I was left with a broken heart and no manual to tell me how to fix it. However, I refuse to live in regret because I know everything happens for a reason. I must certainly feel that there are yet bigger and better things to come. In the mean time, I’m here dealing. It’s very difficult, but never impossible. I want to share key steps that I feel are pivotal to mend the emotionally crushed. So far they have been working for me. Everyday I feel more and more confident that I’ll be able to get over him and come out even stronger in the process. I hope this helps you too.

1. climb your personal mountain

2. allow yourself to feel bad

3. occupy your mind and body with constructive things

4. Avoid the former love. Yes, avoid

5. Talk out your feelings with close friends

6. Cry if you want to. It’s OK to cry over a loss. Don’t hold back, let the tears roll just do it in a safe and private place where it is unlikely to get back to your ex

7. Let go of mementos. Put away or give away anything and everything that reminds you of the relationship

8. Don’t slip up and get together with your ex. When you are feeling sad or missing a relationship it can be very easy to fall back in to the arms of your ex but DO NOT DO THIS!

9. Focus on all the things about your ex that drove you crazy, turned you off, or that you just plain found annoying. Think about these things often and replay them in your mind over and over. Dwell on them. It will make you feel better to remember that your former flame was not perfect and that there are things you won’t really miss

10. Think about the mean, cruel or rude things your ex may have done in your relationship. Really give these things play in your memory

11. Maintain a strict no contact policy and stick with it. Don’t make any calls. Stay away from instant messaging or texting on your cell. Just don’t contact your ex until you are totally and completely sure you no longer want to be with him or her. It is the only way

12. Don’t look at past relationships as failures, but rather as opportunities to learn and improve your relationship skills

13. Don’t worry that you’re not in a relationship. Your value comes from who you are, not who you’re with